Inked Disaster
by LGSnow
Summary: The latest attempt of James to woo Lily goes awry when the quill he used to write a card with results in an incomprehensible and slightly offensive babble. This is my first fully written attempt at a story, so kindly provide feedback.


_Author's Note: These are, of course, not my characters, places, or spells. I had forgotten to mention this seemingly obvious fact before, likely because this is my first go at writing fan fiction, and this is a site for (who would have guessed?) fan fiction, but have now added this disclaimer. Sorry._

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From the moment James Potter got out of bed that morning, and was capable of thought, he was grinning. He didn't have a prank up his sleeve this morning, surprisingly. This glorious morning, this wonderful day was destined for something far greater than even the best of pranks, if such an idea was even conceivable. Today was the day he would get the great Lily Evans to go on a date with him.

It was the Friday prior to the first Hogsmeade weekend of James Potter's fifth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and he was determined he would get Lily Evans to join him in the village. He wasn't just going to merely ask her this time, and get rejected. Laughable, as that was far too simple. He had a much grander plan.

"Up! Hey, Sirius! Up, now!"

"I'm not a broomstick, and we don't have Quidditch practice today, either. Whaddya want, Potter?"

"You to get the hell out of bed, now! We have to get down to breakfast before the mail gets here." By the word mail, James had left the awake but disgruntled Sirius be, and moved on to his next victim. "Peter. Peter. Peter. Come on, Peter! Get up, please, so we can go down to the Great Hall. Peter!" The repeated utterances of his name seemed to have no influence on the small boy's state of consciousness, however, and he continued snoring. How Peter managed the incredible feat of remaining asleep through the loud calls of rousing that chorused through their dormitory in the morning, none of the others ever knew.

James left Peter be for the moment, and started to move on to the last bed in the room, that of Remus Lupin. He drew back the curtains of the slightly older boy's bed, to find him already fully dressed, with a book in his hand, sniggering at his roommate's antics. James scowled, and went to get dressed.

By this point, Sirius had stumbled out of bed and attempted to do the same. He wasn't entirely successful, however, as his robes were on inside out. Seeing this, Remus sighed and returned his book to his trunk. He walked over to Sirius, fixed his robes, and patted him on the head. Sirius stared at his appearance's savior with an expression akin to that of an ailing puppy who's just been given a treat. Almost as an afterthought, Remus turned to the bed where Peter still lay, asleep. He flicked his wand at the boy, and a feather appeared under his nose. Sneezing, Peter sat up and said, "Green treacle slurping hippogriffs, what was that?"

"Human alarm clock. Please, Peter, get ready before James wets himself from excitement." By that point, the excited boy in question had tried on three sets of robes prior to deciding that the first one he had on was the cleanest, without noting which one that was, making it so he had to go through all three once more.

By the time the four of them were ready to head down to breakfast, nearly twenty minutes had passed, and James was dancing in a manner reminiscent of those whose deepest desire is to find a lavatory. He practically skipped down the stairs, and then proceeded to tear past a group of sleepy-looking first years clambering through the portrait hole. His friends followed at a more leisurely pace, Remus wearing the expression that only appeared on his face when James was about to make an utter prat of himself, which was altogether too often.

The foursome arrived at the Great Hall before the owls, much to the relief of James. James was too giddy to eat, and kept turning to Sirius to pester him. "Sirius, you think she'll say yes, right? I mean, I've done everything right, haven't I? No mistakes, I used one of our spell-checking quill, the card matches her eyes, nothing offensive, didn't insult Snivellus in it, no matter how much the slimy git deserves it, I..."

"James, shut up!" chorused his three companions. Seconds later, owls swooped down from above. One owl divebombed directly at a the redheaded object of James Potter's affections, Lily Evans, landing directly on her goblet of pumpkin juice, which tipped and fell onto her lap. The owl delivered an emerald green envelope onto her plate and took off, further drenching her in pumpkin juice.

Lily wiped the pumpin juice from her eyelids and moved to open the letter, but it started singing before she could touch it. It was to the tune of the Hogwarts school song, which is to say, no tune at all.

_Ibbits,_

_Woo err za izzle if me peye,_

_War twophlozens neec my cree,_

_Imb thu so tiwe donu martyr, near,_

_So neec tit tho ee meddnit i pear,_

_Release shun wrath my so za porridge,_

_Itlse war brum ee ass so cleavage._

_Broom, Gems._

By the time the song had finished, Lily was absolutely red with fury. She rose from her seat at the table and stormed over to where James sat. The boy in question was glaring in the direction of Sirius, trying to telepathically communicate the question of whether he had anything to do with the way this latest, and, in his mind, best, plan had failed oh-so-spectacularly. He failed, instead looking rather constipated, as his attention was drawn to the rapidly approaching redhead.

"POTTER! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS? WHAT IS A PEYE? If this was just some clever ruse to ask me out, I tell you, I am SICK of it. Do you hear me? Or is your thick skull impervious to anything but ego-inflation?" She whipped out her wand, and put it at his throat. "Leave. Me. Alone." She then cast a nonverbal spell, shooting a white beam of light at her target's mouth, and ran off.

There wasn't any change for a moment, and James started moaning about his failure. He just had time to utter, "Why? Why does m y red-haired goddess hate me so?" before his tongue started changing. It hardened as it turned to a nasty shade of whitish-brown, and then stuck out of his mouth for about six inches.

Sirius sat there alternately laughing at James' plight and patting him on the back. Remus grabbed his wand, and muttered "Finite." Nothing changed. James sat cross-eyed, trying to get a look at what his tongue had become. Remus tried again, "Finite incantatem." Shaking his head, Remus stowed his wand, and said, "Sirius, let's take him up to the hospital wing." Lowering his voice, he added, "Merlin knows we spend too much time in there, but I have no clue how to fix this."

Sirius nodded, and they pulled a still-dazed James up from his seat. Peter quickly scurried to follow the trio, casting a longing glance back at his unfinished sausages. They made their way up to the hospital wing. Upon arrival, Madam Pomfrey called out from her office, "An injury already? Why, breakfast is hardly over!"

Once James's tongue had been restored to normal, and a stern warning administered about getting into fights, the foursome hurried to class, sliding into their seats just in time.

That evening, as Remus lay on his bed reading the book he had cast aside that morning in favour of helping Sirius with his robes, Sirius came up behind him and pounced, the two then side by side on Remus's bed. Sirius whispered so James wouldn't hear, "Do you know what happened that resulted in a physical manifestation of how horny James is? I bet you do."

Remus momentarily put his head in his hands in response to the horrible pun, lay the book aside once more, and turned to face Sirius. "You know that quill James used? I noticed on his essays yesterday evening that there were small errors on our unfortunate companion's papers. My theory is that the charm we placed on it wore off."

Sirius grinned, and added, conspiratorially, "He has no bloody chance, does he? Poor bloke..."

Remus lay there for a moment, staring just past his friend and contemplating the situation. He spoke quietly, "Promise me one thing, Sirius. Never, ever use a singing card in an attempt to woo anybody. Please spare me the embarrassment."

"Of course, my dear Remus. Now, what do you say that we go torment our formerly-pronged friend about his latest failure?" Upon seeing Remus's skeptical look, he quickly added, "Or, uh, go do our Astronomy homework?"

Grinning in defeat, Remus followed his friend over to where James sat, head in hands. This would be a long night.

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Author's Notes:

This is the original poem:

Evans,

You are the apple of my eye

Your refusals make me cry,

And so to save some water, dear,

To make't so I shedn't a tear,

Please come with me to the village,

Else your room I have to pillage.

Love, James.

Also, I am assuming that the Marauders devised a similar charm to the Weasley twins for a a spell-checking quill. Maybe to help Peter, or just so Sirius and James could make life even easier for themselves. They, like poor, unsuspecting Ron, had not realized it would wear off.


End file.
